MedCosmos Humour

Political Systems Simplified

2008-09-06T19:23:00.001-07:00

Political Systems Simplified

You did not learn political science in high school then here is your chance to do so.......

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one,
milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

__________________

Diagnosis of Alcohol Consumption

2008-09-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Diagnosis of Alcohol Consumption

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It

2008-09-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...!!

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

( I have gotta this from NET only..As Email Forward Perhaps..So its not My Personal Opinion..Remember this..Ha..Ha..Ha..)

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

8.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly,he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cablewent. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo...”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind...”

9.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet.
Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

10.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmostrespect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date?
It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

11.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

12.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

13.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths.Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

14.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

Medical Student's Different Personality

2008-09-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

Introducing: The Medical Student

As it has once again reached that time of year when an exam is looming, I felt it appropriate to compile a list of exam personalities that I have witnessed over the past few years. Please note, they are not a reflection of the students at my school (although some will invariably fit the description).

The Gunner

A classic personality. These high calibre front row revision jockeys are at the forefront of every year. They are walking textbooks that seem to run off self-satisfaction. To the Gunner, a pass is a fail unless they are right at the top of the year. They are ridiculed by the pack but always come off best.

The Sponge

Sponges have a seemingly unnatural ability to turn up to lectures and remember volumes of information without effort. Revision time is brisk for a sponge as they are already saturated with the key concepts. They are seemingly normal on the outside, often shamefully coy about their superhuman memory and always do well when it comes to results.

The Assassin

The knife in the back types, obsessed with knowing all but revealing nothing. If they have tutor notes, key exam information or intelligence from other sources you can bet your arse they won’t let anyone know. Often cloaked under a falsified claim to not understand even the most basic of concepts. Assassins are deadly in technique but often fail to make it to the very top, making them insanely paranoid of the Gunners.

The Insecure

One of the most irritating people to be around when it comes down to exams as they constantly fret over how little they feel they know. Often they will find themselves talking about how much effort they’ve put in, questioning the individual working habits of everyone they can and placing themselves into a self-deprecating destructive pit of doubt. Always amusing to watch but starts to become a nuisance after a while.

The Failure

You’ve got to love the failure. They are the ones who don’t turn up to classes, don’t do the coursework and flounder in the exams. Most of the time they couldn’t care less, but they collectively bring down the grade average.

The Random Fact Memoriser

About as useful as all the answers to Trivial Pursuit in a neurology exam. It may sound impressive, but the reality is no one could care less. So what if the Serum B12 levels of an adult male are between 160-925ng/L? It won’t help in the slightest when trying to identify the great vessels of the cardiovascular system. Random fact memorisers are wannabe Gunners, but fail to comprehend the irrelevance of information they don’t need to know.

The Deity

The narcissistic type, bragging their understanding of everything, blind to their own arrogance and refusal to accept reality when they receive their results. Deity’s are gods amongst each other, in social hierarchies and intelligence. They often leave exams early to make a point of their supremacy only for it to fall upon deaf ears.

The Underdog

Everyone loves an underdog, especially us Brits. The classic Hollywood love story of the guy who gets the gorgeous girl in the end springs to mind - only this is the real world. Despite the masses of effort they may put in (think Rocky montage) an underdog never has its day.

The Blagger

Blaggers score annoyingly well considering the party lifestyle they often lead right up until the actual exam. With minimal effort yielding maximal points, blaggers will continue time after time to surprise and infuriate the rest of the year with their seemingly endless streak of good fortune.

The Sick-Note

These self-excusing types always get the sympathy vote from overly kind-hearted examiners. Whether it’s last months cold, an impossible schedule of commitments or a set of unfortunate undisclosed ‘personal problems’ deadlines will be excused and marks will be generous. Not to be mixed up with those with genuine excuses.

The Hermit

Say goodbye to that student you occasionally saw at the bar, as they set themselves up for some serious time locked away in their cell with only textbooks for company. The sheer effort put in and their obvious absence helps fuel concerns amongst everyone else, particularly amongst the Insecures that they are not pulling their own weight.

The Artist

Will astound you with a Picasso-masterpiece that makes up the most dazzling revision schedule you ever did see. Often the very same types that incessantly highlight every single word in their lecture notes with a rainbow palette of coloured markers. A little less time with the colouring and a little more with the reading would greatly benefit the Artists.

Top 10 Signs of Studying Too Long

2008-09-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

1. You get excited about switching pen colors.

2. Your roommate comes home from a weekend away and says, “Surprise, you’re still sitting there! Have you changed clothes at least?”

3. Your mom calls and after talking for a few minutes says, “I’ll call back tomorrow and maybe you’ll be in a better mood.”

4. Unless you turn off your internet connection, you check email/cnn/gossip site/website of choice every 5 minutes.

5. It’s summer and 45 degrees outside but your bathing suit is still in winter hibernation.

6. Your middle finger starts to get that weird indentation on it from writing too much.

7. You can tell what time it is by hearing the squeaky school bus brakes outside the window (7:00am and 5:00pm).

8. Every single coffee mug is dirty in the dishwasher.

9. Your apartment is either really clean (because study break = manic tidying session) or looks like a tornado ran through it.

10. You sit still so long that reading about decubitus ulcers and DVTs becomes a little more relevant.

Any of these sound familiar? Did I leave anything out? Good luck to everyone out there taking exams right now. It’s one mile marker closer to your destination!...Okay Lets add More..

Things to add...
- I'm doing this instead of memorizing every bacteria know to man
- Going grocery shopping is the high point of my week, even though it's just for coffee and PB&J
- I'm happy when it rains so I don't feel so bad about not seeing the outside world for days on end.
- When people call you to talk (non med school friends and family) you have nothing to say except "just studying," they respond with - "Still?"
- Any conversation you may have starts off with "Well in First Aid is says..."
- You search your cell phone contacts and call people you haven't talk to in years just to avoid studying

LOL.....um...U forgot:
* U have named your computer & have conversations with it.
* U dont understand Y everyone doesnt do ALL their shopping on-line.....(( I even order my groceries...so I dont have to waste time driving .....))
* your kitchen is now your office...because it took too long to walk to and from the kitchen to the office where it was....
* your house has started to resemble those seen in those studies on people who are recluse....i.e. piles of studies...piles of journals...open/ closed/ torn out pages.....piles of pizza boxes....
* your neighbors have stopped coming by because "we never know if you are sleeping, writing, studying......."
* U spend time writing posting responses in an effort to cry out to the world for contact!!!

A few others are:

1.Even the weather channel is entertaining.
2.The telemarketers actually try to end the call...you are so desperate to talk to a human being.
3.You notice a stain on the wall and actually consider this might be a good time to repaint the entire house.
4.Toothpaste can also be used under your eyes to help you stay awake to study...owww it burns.
5.You can´t settle down to study until the whole house is spotless.
6.When studying with a friend,your friend keeps falling asleep when you answer the question so you have to keep repeating yourself.
7.Luckily you heard your phone go off on the 5th attempt because it was a fellow student saying you have 10 mins to get to the exam.
8.After the last exam you fall asleep until next week.
Good luck everyone!

Yet to Add

*Telemarketers become your best friend.
*The weather channel is entertainment.
*Toothpaste under the eyes will keep you awake to study longer.
*You get excited shopping for study supplies.
*The house must be spotless in order to study.
*You are jealous of your dog just sleeping and eating all day.
*Paying bills is actually fun.
*The dentist called to schedule a cleaning and you asked if today was too soon.

Some For Us..

OMG so so s true
1 you know exactly when the noght watchman comes around with his whistle ...
2 the birds start chirping at exactly dawn
3 the colour of the tree changes brom black to green
4 you keep a bottle of water around ypou and the only time you get off the chair is when you need a toilet break ..thank god for that .
5 you call up your study partner and most of the times the discussion is ' i am going nuts '
6 half your bed is full of books but that doesnt seem to be abnormal to you .
7 depending on the weather you can have coffee in cold or hot water straight
8 maggi noodles at 2:00 am is one of your daily schedules
9 you pause the ER to check whether the treatment that is being done is right or not .
10 you search for all the surgery videos from you tube ewhen you have to take a break

19 Things You Should Never Say During Your Med School Interview

2008-09-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

1. When will I be able to write myself prescriptions?
2. Who will drive us home if we are too tired post-call?
3. Paternalism is ready for a comeback.
4. Under what circumstances can I call in sick?
5. What are the minimum requirements for me to graduate?
6. To be honest, I just want drug rep pens.
7. That's what nurses are for.
8. When will we cover generating multiple streams of income with cross-referrals and owning our own diagnostic equipment?
9. I love the smell of [insert body fluid here] in the morning.
10. Have they started making Cliffs Notes for medical texts yet?
11. I don't have a problem with being oncall, but every so often I'll have to
check in with my parole officer.
12. Of course, after residency, they'll have to have insurance.
13. DNR... doesn't that stand for "Do Not Respond?"
14. Does the 80-hour limit apply to med students yet?
15. How often is lunch provided?
16. The voices told me that this is the place that all would be fulfilled.
17. In addition to being a shaman, I am working on a book that exposes the
perils of the Western Health-Industrial Complex.
18. Antibiotics. Antivirals. Antifungals. Antithis. Anti-that. When are we going to live in harmony with these bugs.
19. It wasn’t really drug-dealing. Let’s just say that I was self-employed.

Medical School Nerd Scale

2008-09-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

MEDICAL SCHOOL NERD SCALE

The following scale has been developed in close cooperation with the UVA psychiatry services (Well at least I was thinking of some of their characteristics and used some of their class time to compose it). It is designed to test if you have spent too much time in medical school and whether you are having
adverse side effects due to prolonged exposure.

Score one point for each statement that applies to you.

1 You have ever said "Netter is god".
2 You can discuss autopsy/ anatomy over a meal
3 You own a 4 color pen
4 -it just isn't enough colors for you
5 You use more than one color to take notes
6 You have use up more than 6 highlighters in the past 6 months
7 you have ever highlighted something YOU wrote
8 you retype handouts given in class
9 you haven't had a date in 3 months
10 you haven't had a date since entering med school
11 you have not been able to remember the normal term for something because you were thinking of the medical term (ie reflux for heartburn)
12 You get more sleep in lecture than at home
13 You know the correct spelling for pruritus
14 - you also know what it means
15 You have ever asked a question in class
16 - The prof. didn't understand the question
17 - you didn't believe the answer the prof. gave
18 - you went to look it up to see if they were right
19 You can't hold a conversation on anything other than med school
20 You skip class to study
21 You've said you didn't do well on a test on which you beat the mean
22 You spend more than 15 hrs a week on e-mail
23 You have a callous on you finger from writing
24 More than one professor knows you by name
25 When you ask a question, a new professor has said "Oh, I've heard of you"
26 You can name more amino acids than past presidents
27 You use more than 5 acronyms an hour when talking
28 you actually know what PERRLA stands for
29 You know all the steps of the TCA cycle
30 You do not read PTA as parent teachers association
31 You can remember the muscles in the forearm
32 You know the strucures in the urea cycle
33 You know the dermatome distribution
34 You can't remember what you had for breakfast
35 You can't spell world, much less backwards
36 You've ever been sexually aroused by the breast shadow on an X ray
37 You equate "morning stiffness" with Rhematoid Artheritis
38 You actually know normal values for plasma Na
39 -K
40 Missing class causes you extreme stress
41 You have seriously asked someone "So how does that make you feel?"
42 You have asked will this be on the exam
43 -Just after the prof. said it wouldn't
44 You identify with Deb on E.R.
45 You have made a medical joke
46 -no one laughed
47 -You figure they just weren't that far in their studying
48 You wear your stethescope around your neck on the bus
49 - you don't even know which way the thing goes in your ears
50 "SOB" means short of breath to you
51 You have gone to student health with suspicion of a disease you have studied
52 -within 3 days of the lecture
53 You have answered a question in class
54 -asked by the professor
55 -it was a rhetorical question
56 You can quote lines from the movie "Malice"
57 -you believe them
58 You can flip your pen over your thumb
59 - with both hands
60 - you do so throughout class
61 You have corrected a professor in class
62 -the rest of the class didn't understand the lecture to begin with
63 You know how to claculate specificity
64 -positive predictive value
65 - anion gap
66 -you can't balance your checkbook
67 You don't know what the weather was like for the past week
68 You don't know what the weather is like right now
69 You actually talk in open ended questions
70 DIC isn't a slang term for the penis in your book
71 You think B- is a bad grade
72 you have stressed about a pass/fail class
73 You study during most of your meals
74 You saw nothing abnormal about the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
75 You draw all of the slides not already provided in the handouts
76 -including the cartoons (humourous type)
77 Anatomy makes you hungry
78 You would even consider saying "Ease back on my finger at your own pace"
79 You know the size of a RBC
80 - you don't know the size of a football field 81 Your eyesight has worsened by 10 pts or more in the last year
82 You have the library hours memorized
83 Hou have your own seat in the library
84 You score more than 95 on the Epidemiology final
85 You own more than one white coat
86 You have debated between giving up sleep or eating in order to find more time to study
87 You started studying for boards more than 2 months in advance
88 You have never received a personal invitation to discuss your grades with the dean
89 A tie is the only addition necessary to what you normally wear when you go to see patients
90 You wear scrubs to tests
91 You have made plans to study on a beach during vacation
92 - you actually did
93 You have a designated seat in lecture
94 - You have ever asked someone to move from "your seat"
95 You sleep less than 4 hrs a night
96 -you think that is plenty
97 -you have thought about cutting back
98 You study more than 35 hrs outsid of class
99 -you think you are a slackard
100 You think everyone answers yes to most of these questionsScale

<20 - You're not in Med school. Go back to your party and leave us alone. We have work to do.
20-35 - Either Med school is a breeze or you like the sound of "Senor doctor"
35-45 - Gotta love that Primary Care
45-60 - Well, I never really thought about MD/Phd, but now that you mention it...
60-75 - Your social life is shot, might as well try to earn lots of money
75-90 - Which surgery subspecialty did you say you liked?
90 - All hail, great Med School Nerd master.